Rant :(

I come across as a manic-depressive kook but I often feel terrible at times of inactivity like this. It's pretty easy to put aside the feelings of depression when there's a steady job, and one is surrounded with friends and good people, projects to work on...

But depressing feelings are like raisins in a glass of soda (try it if you haven't seen it before); they bob up and down unless you take them out of your drink and deal with them before they plump up. Ahh, silly analogies.

My day starts with a noon breakfast of champions (a bowl of cereal), followed by a few hours of "what the hell," and then a supper of random food. Then I'm back to "what the hell." My mum comes back from work and gets exasperated at me for a few hours. On Tuesday I tutor. On Wednesday I watch LOST, if it's new. Sometimes I get to bed at 2.

Jorghnassen has always been good to me. He tells me great things and supports my projects, comforts me about the serious dicking (pardon my language) I get from this place, and usually peppers his conversations with "Come back here :(" ... which everyone says.

Of course I have thought of it a lot - every time something stupid happens (March), to name a few), every time I see my friends, whenever I see youth retention reports (especially about anglos), when I visit my dad, and then when I make food enough for ten when I'm the only one who's going to eat the damn thing.

It pains me a lot to think that I am not needed here. The last two years I've been sitting on my ass here making myself pretty depressed, but I tried to convince myself that the reasons I chose to stay here (for now) were valid. Well, they're not so valid, just probably ridiculous from everyone else's perspective.

I am not convinced any more that I was meant to do what I thought I could. What's the use of two degrees from a university when I don't remember any of my training or make any use of this knowledge? Why did I have to go through so much pain and suffering over five years, only to come out feeling like I learned next to nothing? Why did I stay on this train when I didn't want to go to Alberta, but to New Brunswick? (No, I don't want to go to Alberta nor New Brunswick - it's another stupid analogy.)

But I'm not convinced I wasn't getting anything out of it. I enjoyed moments when things went well, with my own abilities. I was always happy to help, maybe too happy to help. I would go out of my own way to make my charges happy and keep them on the better path. I think I would have even quit if my charges told me it was better that way.

(Oh, but I didn't quit. My charges were actually getting along better until the bosses got rid of me.)

I'm probably the only person stupid enough to think this way, but I gave up a job once for a friend whom I believed was better suited for the tasks, and because he wanted experience in it. And I would do it all over again given that choice. But I'm tired of popular opinion trying to make me feel entitled to things or feel guilty for not being more selfish, because I really, really want to do great things for deserving people. (But I don't want to be a total tool either... I'm not like that.)

I just feel that I can't do it.

Of course I won't leave this post on a sad depressing note, so I'm linking this freaking cute corgi. (I think it's a corgi...)