For Sale - A lot of garbage

After bringing home nearly all of my Montreal effects, save large furniture I loaned to my brother for his use, I realized how much complete crap I have in total. Five years worth of textbooks, notes, course packs, and other looseleaf is accumulated in my living room and quarters. Another lot of papers, electronic equipment, toys :) , presents, and such are scattered around here still.

I'm completely baffled as to how to deal with all this mess. I have a dinky desk with very little space for my computer. On top of that, now I need to get a printer since my brother took his all-in-one.

The bookshelf is so fragile looking and old that I doubt it would hold up all these damn textbooks. I have way too many notes for it to look anything but messy in the bookcase. And I don't even want to think about sticking everything under the bed, like I used to do.

Would I count as a candidate for "Clean Sweep"?

Probably not since I don't have a job. :( And I live in a crap-assed apartment anyway.

A Big Fat Lie?

The more I keep searching for a job (online, which is my only tool at the moment), the more disenfranchised I get. I keep having that nagging thought that everyone @#$!ing lied to me throughout university. Particularly in the Education program.

School boards have a weird hiring policy. They don't take just anyone who waltzes by with qualifications. Really. Despite what newspapers and administration say. They have a list of people they put on the side during the year. When the need arises for a replacement, or something less permanent, they look at the list. The people on top are those who have more experience. The people in the middle are those who sorta have experience. The people on bottom are silly people like myself who decided to start teaching at this time.

And it doesn't even matter what you are qualified to teach. The one school board last month called me for a French teaching position. {I'm not even going to start on that one.)

I have two bachelors. My life is/was? geared towards using these two credentials (and the permit to teach that is hanging on my wall) to get my foot into some position for the betterment of society, through the instruction of the young 'uns. Seriously. It has been this way from as far back as I can remember having concious, non-idiotic, unselfish thoughts. Which didn't happen often, but did happen somewhat during early school years. [If you think I'm BSing this stuff, you should come by and rummage my box 'o crap in the basement.]

But now I am at the barricade. Not the crossroads. Not the freaking superhighway. Not even a stinking orange pylon in the middle of the gravel pit of a path. It's a freaking police barricade.

I contemplate. Surely, a province with supposedly a shortage of qualified mathematics and science teachers would be pounding at the door? And this province would also be crying softly in the corner for the wave upon wave of teachers retiring? And as such, there are even fewer new teachers who wish to isolate themselves in the rural regions of the motherland to teach her children?

All the stuff I pondered about above was fed to us during my several years in this B. Ed. I'm not saying that it couldn't be true. I'm reiterating that I feel like I've been led astray and everyone wanted me to go through this program just to give them an extra ten grand of my life. Or just to laugh at me.

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Digression

Everyone suffers through the teaching program. Some pretend they have everything under control. (A few are naturally talented and have no problems "whatsoever" but those are the exceptional ones.) Some have issues with how the system is set up currently. Some ultimately decide they never wanted to do this job. And then there's me.

My expectations going through this program was to "change myself," to a certain degree. Coming in, I was a lonely, depressed, shy, unassuming, wishy-washy student, readying herself for the real world. Coming out... well, let's say that I have somewhat lessened the extent of all these weaknesses. Maybe.

In the end, it was about growing up. And I learned my own lessons out of this experience. Life, death, love, betrayal, strength, weakness, joy, sorrow. (How do you compress all this in a few years? Or a cheesy teen novel?)

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It's a barricade because they want to weed out the ones who weren't paying attention in the fog. I was too busy "growing up" to notice how much I screwed up. It sounds teen angsty, but age doesn't matter. [I could point out a lot of acquaintances who haven't even begun to go through "puberty," and they're at the university level.]

So now that I'm out, into the "real world," I felt like I was pushed out of a fog into a dense forest. With rain. And no yellow plastic poncho. But a cute little hat, yes.

Anyone want to hire a newly qualified, permit-holding mathematics and physics teacher?

Today is my birthday.

On SUMS, and Moving On

Many people I know as of late have been complaining about the poor treatment SUMS has been giving them. (I won't name them. But seeing as I am usually the most vociferous of the SUMS alumni, I feel as though some injustice is done if I don't say anything.)

Now, no one is disputing the definition of SUMS. Indeed, it was created as a place for undergraduate mathematics students. The acronym is "Society of Undergraduate Mathematics Students." This was in response to these students requiring a space and support amongst their own, in contrast to the graduate math society students.

Over the years, many, many people have passed through the doors of ol' Burnside 1B20. Some have stayed and some have left, but came back to visit. Some graduated and continued to stay at McGill. Even fewer (but significantly) have graduated, stayed, gone abroad, came back, and found themselves crazy glued to fixtures down there.

It evolved into a society where not only math undergraduates fraternize within the dank, stinky walls of the room, but undergrads of other faculties, graduates and sometimes staff (Loveys) came by to chat and/or used the couches to sleep upon. And so evolved SUMS for the betterment of the math undergrad experience. (... I think...)

Then when it came time for the yearly turnover, the alumni or the older residents would inform the freshmen and the inexperienced about the culture, the camaraderie, and the experience. It would be always hard to take the changes, since it indicated that life was actually physically moving forward.

Hence, here I am ranting about SUMS once again, probably for the last time. I'll just tell it as a story, names have been changed or hidden, yadda yadda yadda.

Once upon a time, Jorghnassen and I were still in SUMS. We were amongst a handful of alumni and people having stayed beyond 4 years (me) at McGill. Ours was a cute, friendly and sometimes deranged group within a group. But we never thought we would feel excluded from our own home away from home.

Then suddenly, the new executive embodiment of undergrad math students decided to ignore most (or all) of the old cronies' advice. Even as they hypocritcally revered the SUMS "mama" (me) and stood in awe of the l33t math graduates and superbrains, in general they returned very litte in terms of compassion, respect, and ... manners.

The cycle was broken. Very few alumni even wished to come visit. Sometimes they walked in and immediately out, seeing that no one within the room would even give them the time of day. Thus, the cronies, who felt isolated from the froshies, had no more place to pass on their experience.

My role as a SUMS crony was effectively diminished. Despite 5 years under the belt, I no longer felt welcome nor respected. And this role was pretty much all I had. I am neither well-versed in mathematics nor in physics, and I am certain that no one would regard my academic habits as something to be desired.

I could outline the problems of the past a million times to the executives, but not one of them would understand the mistakes and carry out the resolution.

So one day, when not one of us gave a crap anymore, we disappeared.

---

I feel very sorry for the new froshies and cronies in math for not having people around with enough sense to welcome them in a non-idiotic fashion. Ours was an inclusive, sometimes shy but friendly group. This is a gang of anti-social, disrespectful butt-lickers. My hope has faded for a renewal of SUMS.

As for the exec, if you are reading this, I hope you are happy. You managed to alienate the old cronies who would have supported you in your endeavours, if you had even bothered to care.

And then this morning the secretary called to apologize, and said I am not needed this week.

A Pleasant (?) Return

For the sake of organization to those who really, really, really wanted to know what was going on the last few weeks I mysteriously disappeared from the web, I'll bullet them below:

• My brother cut his Suckpatico account shortly after my last entry, and I suffered from that point on without any sort of connection. But I called Videotron and made the transfer from the old now-converted bachelor(s) pad in Montreal, to my new (unfortunate) digs here in Quebec. They installed my happy and damaged cable modem last Friday and now I am back. How exciting, eh?


• At some point during the month (I forget when exactly), I went to Chicoutimi with PJ to pick blueberries and probably other things. Though I would have picked more than about two boxfuls (since we bought five)... we, and by "we" I mean "I", were attacked mercilessly by hundreds of insects until we gave up after two hours. Then I came back to Quebec and made a pie with papa's pie crust, which he had hidden in the freezer downstairs before he died. I took pictures.


• I quit buffeteering on Saturday.

The reason I hadn't written much after getting back my cable account is because I am utterly depressed. Or at least I *was* ... Here comes another list.

• I didn't get a full time job for the year. I only had one offer from one Montreal school board two days ago, to be a French teacher. Some people have said I should have just taken it, but I seriously think that it wouldn't be fair for EVERYONE if I did. Especially all those certified language teachers aching for a job right now.


• Mama went to Toronto yesterday to hang out with the cousins. I have the entire ugly apartment to myself, but sadly no one to party with. :(


• It's my birthday next Tuesday. I'm turning... uh... 18.

Well, this morning my old alma mater called (thus waking me for the second time today) and offered me substitution for Thursday and Friday. At least that's something, right? (And I didn't have to call them this morning like I was going to. *nyah*)

I'm cheered up a bit but I don't suppose that'll last for long... :(

Updates should be soon...

I was supposed to get a call from a Videotron guy, but he didn't. So I'm still waiting for that, so I can get my own connection that doesn't crap out every five minutes. And I'm going to upgrade my computer soon, as well as get a new desk (or make the current one much, much larger).

So no update for now.